The greeting card industry just doesn't get me.

Have you ever had a moment in your life where suddenly everything makes sense and you realize that you've spent the greater part of your life lost, wandering and wondering what your purpose is? I feel like I've had a few of those moments, but none of them have struck me as hard as the two revelations I've had in the past month.

Let's back track a few weeks to the first week of May. I was sitting in a hotel in Nashville looking at a Mother's Day gift that I needed to ship to my mother who, coincidentally was not speaking to me, when I realized that I'd never purchased a card to include in the package. I grabbed my wallet and rental car keys and ran to the nearest drug store to find something suitable. 

Now, I'm the first person to admit that I have limited patience for a number of things and picking out cards falls somewhere high on the list. I mean, how many people actually take the time to really read them and consider the time and effort the giver actually spent selecting "the perfect card?" And don't even get me started on how expensive these throw away pieces of paper are - just don't. I digress.

So there I am, standing in some drug store overwhelmed with Mother's Day card options and I start grabbing cards, skimming through random options impatiently putting and pulling card after card. Every single card I picked up had some nauseating message on it, and I'm going to go out on a limb here and say there's probably a handful of people in this entire world where said message actually applies.

"Your arms were always open when I needed a hug, your heart understood when I needed a friend, your gentle eyes were stern when I needed a lesson, your strength and love guided me and gave me the wings to help me soar."

Let me pause for a moment. My mother is, well, she's something. She's an incredibly strong and organized woman, and I'll say there are many things I have learned from her. She's not a saint by any means, but she's my mother and I respect her for putting up with my bullshit for the past 31 years. 

As I stood there and read that, I couldn't help but call into question every single segment.

Yes, my mother hugged me. I wasn't completely attention starved (okay, maybe a little but I don't really blame her for that). But did she understand how badly I needed her to be my friend when I was 19 and tried desperately for her to make a beer run for me and my friends? Did she ever lecture me on my stupid choices and the resulting consequences? I may know how to do laundry and balance a checkbook, but of those two things did she place importance of one over the other?

So what's my point? I've discovered a gaping hole in greeting card options. All I wanted in that moment was something along the lines of "Thanks for carrying me around like a parasite for nine months and having to look at my pretty face ever since. I'm sure that's been a real treat. You're welcome."

Aside from a handful of Etsy shops and someecards, there's really a void of cards that truly convey what we're all thinking. If I remember correctly, I think I settled for something that was blank inside and I wrote, "Happy Mother's Day." The truth is that I recognized this void, but I'm really too lazy to do anything about it.

Which brings me to today. I was invited to a casual bridal shower for a woman who works in my [new] office. I've known her, albeit not well, for the past year or two. I grabbed a bottle of Veuve - because what else do you buy someone you don't really know but seems like a nice person that you could potentially drink a few bottles of wine with at some point in the future? You don't buy them something practical. You buy them alcohol. I had the guy at the "wine and spirits" store put it in a gift bag and hauled it home to feed and walk the dog before making my way to the winery this little event was being held when I realized that I needed to (damn it) buy a card. THE STRESS.

I stopped, yet again, at a drug store frantically searching for some card that would work. I was limited to five options, all of them written as though I was giving this card to my longest and dearest friend in the entire world. 

Excuse me, but where are the cards that say, "I don't really know you but congratulations on your upcoming wedding and I hope you have a nice marriage with the guy you're marrying. PS - Enjoy this $70 bottle of champagne. PPS - I wouldn't say no if you invited me over for cocktails sometime."?

I settled for something that was definitely not applicable to the relationship I have with this woman, but gave off the most casual vibe possible. All because I'm assuming she (and my mother) actually took the time to read what the card said. 

Sigh. The greeting card industry just doesn't get me.